Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Private Conversation with my Muse

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Dialogue with a Muse; Writing Work

Vas is playing in the background…I’m already starting to feel bothered…breathe …breathe...
Lately, I’ve been noticing that some profound hurt is again in my background feeling…I’m connecting to others and their sadness too. This is what accompanies me into the shadow space where I encounter the muse…breathe…


Me holding the Mirror: Where are you…? I shift. I turn. I adjust…breathe... breathe… let go...

Muse: What is your request?

Me holding the Mirror: For now, I want to know how I can make progress on my writing work…I feel delayed... What is wrong with me?

Muse: Too many thoughts clutter…your hurt is too strong ….it’s even overwhelming me…I will tell you that your writing is connected to your mother. ..You have to let her go without letting the writing go…

Me holding the Mirror: What? How am I holding?

Muse: There was too much past bitterness…plus, by holding on to pain, you won’t get her back; you won’t be able to find her by holding on. The hurt you feel is opposite to this guilt and procrastination…it keeps you trapped. It won’t bring your mother any closer or further away. It’s just clutching up your creation space…open… open …everything is god…in …out …thought and work…everything.

Me holding the Mirror: Are you a man?

Muse: That is not important …think of me as you like…Eastwood? Okay…I am your father's pen. l listen to the mess inside; the hurt…you’re going on a plane…you think you will find your mother. She is not more there than here…You are afraid…again hurt …hurt so many things …

Me holding the Mirror: Help me to find the will to work…

Eastwood Muse: Just start...and then start again...and again…what else can be done? If you want to go somewhere you have to find the way there…once there…it is easy…as with all things…your spirit…it moves…some details have to be addressed…the writing is one…you have writing Karma… that plagiarism issue, don’t judge others. As I said you have issues…just forgive those who cheat…let it go…Just forgive because sometimes people are desperate….it can make them dishonorable. Be at peace with this issue. Accept that people are flawed but spirit is clear.

Yes, some have cheated and taken from you and such….through this life and others…just let it go… You are giving too much importance to it; judgment holds you, but not lightly.

Go forward to a joy space. Write from there. Write from your heart…like a wave that pushes up. Let a force like…gravity-in-reverse push up the wave of athou -your creativity-…there is much for you to do besides this writing …it all comes up with the wave…just go with it. Do as many things as you can…it will refresh you-not hold you back. You are using the hurt to hold yourself back …let it be there…hurt is part of your writing but too much…it starts and stops you from writing. It controls you. Just be at peace with your own process…breathe… let god come here… let god be with you …those hot emotions they have a space but are not more important than everything else…remember that…there is so much more …you don’t know what your work is yet…keep moving and accepting …all of that anxiety is just resistance in the field of change ...just breathe…

How delightful you are in your yoga group…I talk to you when you need to think of words…I wish you would learn some more French…I have some French things to say...do you know joyeux...joy? …I am part of that too…you block my joy…live in love and joy…

Make things clean, orderly and pretty; l/you will like that …deal with the hot ocean of pain…take a shower and keep working… it will be all right …get through this pain …you don’t have to do anything; it’s just there. Clear it by breathing … breathe …breathe…remember; that is all…remember…you are alive; you are love; all is well. Au revoir.

Me Holding the Mirror: Thank you …I will not just hope…I will accept and move …even with the pain…. merci beaucoup.
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Friends, I am a bit surprise about the words my "Eastwood Muse" said...feel free to comment...I used a Dr. Progroff journaling technique here from the book At A Journal Workshop... which was suggested by Kim of Creating Space. I thought I would just play a bit ... maybe I was demander son chemin (asking for directions). I had no idea I would feel so much raw pain...where did that come from?

Here is some more creative puzzlement...the Vas music and this complex Indian music video story...

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Painting: The Mirror, Sir Frank Francis Bernard Dicksee

22 comments:

  1. It is sometimes astounding the thoughts that come to us when we release the reins of our minds. I think that your experience is another proof that there is so much we do not know about ourselves until we simply sit back and "feel".

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  2. I can see, even though I do not consider myself a writer by "profession", that an emotional block I am dealing with (cleaning up my basement after the water damage way back in September) is an odd way of keeping myself unhappy and anxious.

    I know I would be pleased to walk down stairs (where my computer is, so my back is turned from the room most of the time) and have the room neat and in order again, but I just do other things instead of tackling this first and leaving the computer or vacuuming upstairs or ironing til later.

    I tried inserting my issues into some of your sentences and quess what, it makes sense.

    For instance,

    Do as many things as you can…it will refresh you-not hold you back. Instead of staying up late and sleeping in til noon on my day off, why not go to bed early, rise early and kick ass in the basement. Because I want to feel no sense of accomplishment?

    ...The hurt is the opposite of this guilt and procrastination…it keeps you trapped. I am not sure I am reading this one correctly, but I feel like I procrastinate because I hurt.

    ...all of that anxiety is just resistance in the field of change. This too, I say I want to change, but I go on the same. Again, keeping myself feeling unalive, just scratching around at the surface.

    But as you said, ...
    Just start...and then start again...and again…what else can be done?

    I will keep scratching at the surface til I break through...

    Teri and her cats

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  3. It seems some things need to be acknowledged and let go of. We often give much importance to things we do not 'own'. For example, a mothers pain is often carried by her daughters.
    I don't know your 'story' but it seems in all of us there are things we allow to block us and 'allow' is the key word.
    Places inside us we don't want go, but once we have been there we are free from them for ever because then we know they no longer hold the power we once thought they did.

    Only you know the answers, that's the scary bit.

    xx

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  4. Susan, thank you for your participation. I know that as a writer, you have a particular insight on this issue...I have to admit that when I was writing this, I was not relaxed. I kept feeling waves of intense feeling-quite uncomfortable. I had the intention to accept whatever came up. Difficult! <3

    Teri, what a wonderful exercise you thought of...clever...I'm glad that this dialogue exercise gave you some ideas...I was also surprised that the 'mess' in my mind was related to the 'mess' in my living room. I have boxes of stuff from work that have to be dealt with, too. May we both overcome our resistance. <3

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  5. Michelle, as an artist of beautiful, delicate and powerful images, I appreciate your contribution to this 'creative process' discussion. Sometimes, I think that I induldge in pain memories...other times...maybe I avoid too much...I think/feel that striking a balance is critical to having a happy life...which is important to me...in other words, I don't like to cry at the movies so I don't routinely go to sad films. Nevertheless, once in a while, I decide it's worth it and then I bring plenty of tissue! <3

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  6. Cynthia, I think sometimes we hold on to grief as if we are afraid to let go of the one we love whom we are holding the grief about, as if they are that grief, if you know what I mean...

    I know you will have tried visualisation techniques to support moving forward towards positive thinking patterns, and letting go of grief, (in as much as we can, for it becomes so much a part of us), I would be interested to know how that worked for you, and whether it is something you would consider revisiting?

    I think your Eastwood Muse is very astute indeed... And perhaps the French is a good distraction, non?! I am thinking of you in love and in light, C x

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  7. Fhina, yes, grief is a part of us...I also use visualization exercises on my own and for my yoga group. It brings a new patterns for thought...I think that grief must be balanced with joy or else it takes over your life...and yes, French is a good distraction. Thank you for your visit...you busy!!! blogger. I thought you were resting? <3

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  8. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes our heads are full of words, sights and memories, and they are all mixed up, which doesn't make it not any easier.Thanks for your visit.

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  9. You are on the right path dear Cynthia. You know what it is you need to do, that is obvious. The work is so difficult, but you are on your way.
    Much love to you -
    Catherine

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  10. At the base of everything there is only love and fear.
    Fear leads to restriction, loves leads to expansion.
    Love yourself so much, that you feel wonderful and inspired to write.
    Face the things that are causing you anxiety,hurt and fear and release them.

    I really felt the bit about holding on to your mum through the pain feelings. I realised in that instant, that I was doing that too. It takes courage to let it go, reminds me of jumping off a cliff and trusting that the Angels are there to catch you.

    Knowing you Cynthia, I'm betting there are plenty of angels at the ready, not only to catch you, but help you fly.xx

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  11. cynthia, we don't yet know each other well, but as artists, no matter the art, life can be painful as we search for meaning behind the images or words that want to come forward...for me, looking for the meaning behind anything that causes discomfort is my first step to understanding my inner pain, which happens to also often be my muse...perhaps my words might help you to find some peace of mind and deeper understanding of what it is your muse is asking of you..

    blessings to you...

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  12. Oh Cynthia, I am not surprised that you have so many troubled feelings. Ever since learning about 'your story' I have often thought about you and wondered how you came to terms with what had happened. Having said that, of course you had to come to terms with it or else it would have driven you mad.

    As for the writing muse, she (or he) has to be very elusive or else the magic would be given to all. You write in a fantastic way and you are too hard to yourself sometimes.

    Have a good Sunday.

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  13. Reader Wil, I have often wondered how you write with such joy and appreciation when you personally have gone through so much. Thank you for your participation here and for taking the time to read.

    Catherine, your warmth is greatly appreciated as is your faith that all is on course. I believe that too. Thank you for the supportive comment, dear friend. <3

    Natalie, I appreciate that you see and understand how pain and love get connected in harsh losses. I have not been so linked to this feeling but lately, I've had to remember a lot because I'm being interviewed for the documentary that is being made on the circumstances surrounding Mom's death... and its impact on the community. I've noticed that the pain remembers more than the simple memory of love. I know that you take similar writing risks. Much appreciative affection to you, Natalie. <3

    French Fancy, I understand too, that when difficult circumstances have to be dealt with there is strong emotional pain but this happened a long time ago.It's surprising. I've been feeling fine. I hadn't realized that the loss was connected to my writing...until I did the journal exercise. Maybe I am too hard on myself in that area...but it is where I am focused right now. I appreciate your thoughts and kindness. <3

    Linda, I know that as an artist you have to allow yourself to encounter and embrace the emotional intensity in order to create. I was doing that here because I have a difficult project that I keep getting stalled on...I've written hundreds of pages only to decide to start over again. It'frustrating. My muse gave me some good advice that I will use...I think accepting the new start is part of going somewhere...there is resistance to beginning again...I have to let that go and trust that all the work has been for a reason.

    Thank you for your insight about the connection of pain to creation...if it's there, it should be worked with...In my case because my mother is probably the only one who would care so much about this work (besides myself)it brings me back to her absence. You sound as if you have an awareness and intentional connection with your muse. I was exploring a technique to interact with my subconscious,which I think could be overwhelming. It was fine however and sometime I may do it again...I'm going to try the advice and process the material more. Thanks again, Linda, for your sharing your helpful thoughts. <3

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  14. Thinking of you. Being creative is a great joy -but it is also horribly difficult too.......

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  15. Thank you for visiting Oasis when you are on vacation, Elizabeth, and for your understanding. I loved your London photos~especially the buckets of flowers. <3

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  16. The puppy sure is gorgeous, and the cat looks slightly peeved. But if you're still talking into mirrors, I'd get help. :)

    And your WV is still on...uh oh....

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  17. Braja, I hope you didn't suffer too much with the word verification...what to do???
    Are you saying you never talk into mirrors? It's an ancient yogic technique, I believe! Thanks for coming over to see my puppy and kitty! <3

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  18. Thank you for sharing that technique, Cynthia. It is always a challenge for me to find the courage to follow my heart to the dark places that exist...

    I watched the video and must say that I will have to watch it again to figure it out. :-)

    You always provide a lot of food for thought.

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  19. Hi Mama Shuga, I just watched the video again...puzzle puzzle...the only aspect I understand is the emotion...but the story-line? Yes, the journal technique does take you to dark places...it's not something you want to induldge in, I think, but it's good to see what comes up once in a while. The artist in me sometimes is willing to engage the shadow/reflection... thanks for your visit...and reflective comments. <3

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  20. Dear Cynthia, this has been a fascinating posting and I have read all the comments with great interest, (I have come late due to being away). This project about your Mum's story has obviously brought all the raw memories back, isn't it strange how these can be buried for years and then appear so strongly in your thoughts today.

    I sometimes think painters have it far easier than writers, we can create images to symbolize strong emotions that help to ease the pain, painting can be incredibly therapeutic and meditative. Strong emotion has become my muse.

    Reading your dialogue with your Eastwood muse felt as if you were delving into the wisdom of your subconscious mind. There are so many wise answers to find deep within ourselves if we allow ourselves to be open and transparent.

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  21. Thank you Dianne, for your attentive reading of this exploration. I know that as an artist you must keep yourself in the flow of feeling even when it is painful...so difficult.

    I know that when my mother died...and when my father died...there was so much creative energy that needed processing. I began to crochet after my father died...for many months I had a project in the making, and it did soothe my loss...as a matter of fact, I just remembered, I painted at that time...an image that is still above the kitchen cabinets...it was abstract of circles which came from an image I saw when he was dying...and I was crocheting circle pillows at the time.

    I never mention it but I was extreemly close to my father. We had the same temperment. I could quietly sit by him for hours. As a diabetic, his life was cut short...he died at 49.

    I wrote a lot when my mother died...much more than when dad died...I kept journals...I have probably four boxes full of journal writing...each box holds about 60? notebooks. I still write everyday. But back then I wrote constantly...

    I don't know why I didn't work with my hands more...I had a new baby...I had to go back to work to pay back maternity leave...I think there was too much loss...my mother and I had fully reconciled when she died. I learned to accept that she gave me exactly what I needed, I just didn't have to wisdom to appreciate her gifts. We were completely satisified with each other at that time, she was present for the birth of my daughter...her loss was the strongest pain I have ever borne. She was my strength...no doubt...and now I have had to learn to be strong without the feeling of her 'backup'...in a way, she was preparing me for her loss by teaching me to be independent.

    I feel as if I could live anywhere now...I have a lot of internal resources. Much of that came from having a powerful mother.

    Thank you again, Dianne, you are dear to me. When I saw those photos of you with your grandchild (on facebook), I immediately thought of my mother's last visit and the time we shared as mother, daughter and her baby grandaughter. We were at a point of new beginnings when she was killed. <3

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  22. Wow Cynthia,

    I can't imagine sharing my conversations with my muse with everyone! LOL This is truly amazing and I do hope Eastwood has agreed to show up and play the part they are meant to be playing in the creative process. Author Elizabeth Gilbert gives an excellent talk about the Creative Genius on Ted.com about dealing with an uncooperative muse...yes, they sure can be uncooperative sometimes. Another writer, Amy Tan, also does a talk on ted.com and shows a muse which will be familiar to you. :)

    I think the point is you have started this conversation and Eastwood honestly needs to get going here and start helping you with this project you need to get moving. You both play a part here!

    This is a great post and there is a great deal to digest here. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there and sharing your conversation with us.

    Keep working with Eastwood and anyone else who might pop up for you...you just never know as I have found some muses will come and go...it totally depends on the artist and the muse.

    Thanks Again, Cynthia

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